May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have A different place wherever American Adult men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: provide Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It Trump Tower Damascus is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Room, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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